What Disney's Ariel Teaches Us About Speaking Up in Business | Stephanie Toma

[00:00:00] How many of us have been silent because we felt like, oh, this is what we need to do. So with Ariel, she became more silent than was normal for her because, oh, I want to have legs. I want to be among the people. How many of us do the same thing to be among the people? This is not a therapy session where we're airing our dirty laundry and like hoping that people validate us. That is repulsive energy. This concept of being able to share certain stories that help us connect on that deeper level without trauma dumping and without having that leaky energy.

[00:00:29] Where you're maybe subconsciously seeking approval. Check yourself. Check your content. Is this about you or about them? At the beginning, they build this aspirational world. There are gods out there. There's this hero. He saved the world. But before he did, this is what happened. This was his story type of a thing. We're hooked by the fact that like, oh, that wasn't always that way. There was a journey to get there.

[00:00:56] No one makes magic and business like Disney. Join us as we hear from Disney cast members, influencers, and enthusiasts to uncover the secrets of what it takes behind the scenes to make Disney such a successful and well-loved brand. We will hear their journeys, inspirations, and have some good old-fashioned Disney fun along the way.

[00:01:20] So relax, pull up a chair, be our guest, and let's get down to Bippity Boppity Business. Welcome to Bippity Boppity Business. I am so excited today to dive into all things storytelling. Not only from inspirations that we've learned from Disney movies, but from an actual expert who helps business leaders every day find their voice.

[00:01:44] Just like Ariel lost her voice at some point, I think we've all gone through the experiences as business leaders where we're not quite sure how to portray our message, what to say, or the exact way of being especially on stage to present that story in a way that feels authentic and confident for us.

[00:02:04] Whether you're on stage in a theater or on stage at a business conference or on camera doing podcasts and content for yourself, you are always on stage. And we're going to learn the behind-the-scenes tricks to make that possible for us today. So I brought a guest from Entrepreneista that I'm very excited about, Stephanie Toma.

[00:02:27] Stephanie is an international speaker, private advisor, and the author of Confident Introvert. She has spoken at over 250 events, including Harvard, love that, I love the Elle Woods moment, Boston University, and LinkedIn headquarters. As a LinkedIn girly, I totally approve of that. And her work has also been featured in Forbes, Business Insider, and Entrepreneur.

[00:02:57] Behind the scenes, Stephanie has ghostwritten for a TEDx speaker with millions of views and supported TEDx events for over seven years. And today, she works privately with thoughtful leaders navigating visibility, speaking, and influence, helping them lead with clarity and confidence that doesn't require performance. I'll say that again. That doesn't require performance.

[00:03:24] And that right there is a way where you could just laugh through your mistake and keep going with authenticity at the center. So example right up there. So to help me speak better in scenarios just like that, Stephanie, we're going to bring you up right now and welcome you to the show. Thank you, Stephanie, for being here. Yes, thank you. And see, I mean, that's how you do it. You don't even have to bring it up.

[00:03:47] And actually, studies show that you are more likable when you are imperfect in your speech. It's not about being the person that's completely pristine. And oh, great, I remembered every single word exactly as I should have. In fact, Brene Brown, when she gave her TED Talk, this is not typical, but she ad-libbed. Really? The TED Talk that went viral. Oh, yeah, the intro where she talked about being an introvert and then she kind of, you know, she was speaking from the heart. Doesn't always work. But in her case, it did in a really big way.

[00:04:16] See, this is a great just to dive right into it because I think as business leaders, there is this pressure, and especially as women, too, to be perfect, to say things the best way possible, to look a certain way, to be over-analytical of our body language. And now there are some best practices in order to help us feel more confident in that. But let's dive into the beauty of the imperfection, of how that makes us more human.

[00:04:44] And I agree with you how those stories actually become more of a resonant experience for us, whether as consumers or as other people enjoying that content. Yes, Rita. So there's the delivery, and then there's the story itself. So touching a little bit more on delivery, you certainly want to be aware of disfluencies. If you're saying like or um every other sentence, that is a problem. It's going to dilute your message.

[00:05:08] However, when it comes to the storytelling, you want to be able to really zero in on key moments that tie into your main point. So where I see speakers go wrong is there's either a story they're telling that's not embodied, where maybe it's something hard they went through and they still feel pretty bad about it. That is not the story. This is not a therapy session where we're airing our dirty laundry and like hoping that people validate us. That is repulsive energy.

[00:05:34] So what we want to do instead is identify like, wait, what are some points of levity? Or what are some points that I've actually authentically overcome that don't have this stickiness? It can be referred to as elegant vulnerability. This concept of being able to share certain stories that help us connect on that deeper level without trauma dumping and without having that leaky energy where you're maybe subconsciously seeking approval.

[00:06:03] I love that concept of elegant vulnerability. I don't think I've ever heard it that way before, but it's so well said. And I think for many leaders who are trying to find that human or vulnerable element to their storytelling, they probably experience that exact same thought process that you're talking about here, which is, well, I'm not trying to like, you know, be unprofessional by airing out like everything that I have to say about my whole life. I still want that privacy levels.

[00:06:32] So going into when you start working with a leader, how do you help them uncover their voice and figure out the best story to tell for their brand or for themselves? Is it like a myriad of stories or do you believe in the concept of a key message and framework that they kind of spread across to many places? I know it's a bit of a loaded question, but where do you start and how from day one, how do you help them with the process?

[00:07:01] Allow things to be messy in the beginning when you're figuring out what you want to focus on. And so when you're going through different stories in your life, maybe there's heightened emotion attached with it. Maybe there is, you know, just key memories that are like, oh yeah. Like, but you want to be, what you want to be able to do is relate it to an overarching key topic.

[00:07:22] So especially if you're going to speak on these things publicly tied into business, I do think that many things that happen in our lives that seemingly don't have significance or it feels like, oh, why did that happen? Like that sucked. Like, let's forget about that or whatever. You know, an example of this is, so I'm currently writing more and speaking more on the concept of calm authority.

[00:07:50] So what that means is being able to show up from a place of being really deeply rooted in yourself. And then you get to build your confidence on top of that, your connections on top of that, your impact on top of that. At a high level, that's the Connect with Confidence framework. We can dive into it more later. But when it comes to identifying stories that show the reader or the listener, okay, what is calm authority?

[00:08:15] There's a situation that I experienced literally in the last week that threw me for a loop, but I was able to frame it in a way that it actually fits in. And I can tell the story like on this podcast right now. So I was at a networking event. So I'm sure many of your listeners are out there, you know, talking about their businesses and wanting to make connections and helping each other elevate.

[00:08:40] So I was at an event and it was going pretty normally, shaking hands, meeting new people. However, there was this one person's hand that I shook and she shook my hand harder than anyone has ever shaken my hand in my life. Like if you can imagine, like rings are going into fingers. Ew, sorry, but yeah. I was like, oh.

[00:09:05] So immediately I kept my composure and I said, ow, that really hurt. And I just kind of let that sit. And then she ended up having a slight smile and saying, oh, I have a really firm handshake. Uh-huh. So sometimes weird things happen when we're out in the wild, okay?

[00:09:27] And then we have an opportunity to, you know, what I illustrated in this story is I ended up actually then redirecting my focus and I walked away and I met other people. And I actually did have a great night that night. I didn't let that one weird instant derail me or shake me at the core or make it mean anything about me.

[00:09:49] So, you know, we have an opportunity, these micro moments that can startle us or be like, oh, that gives something for the listener to hold on to. And they can kind of see themselves and, oh, I don't think I'd love that. Or, oh, I would really love that. It doesn't have to be a bunch of negative stories, right? But you want to show versus tell. And oftentimes the leaders that I work with, you're ideally embodying what you stand for.

[00:10:18] You're able to lead by example. And then if you are in the mentorship space, you want to be able to pull more stories of when you guided someone to embodying those traits that you help other people embody. So in this particular instance, right, there's the handshake and connecting with someone. And then we have the aspect of the story where, oh, something is different. Something is like, ooh, there's an alarm going off. And then naming it.

[00:10:46] So going back to Ariel in your intro, how many of us have been silent because we felt like, oh, this is what we need to do. So with Ariel, she became more silent than was normal for her because, oh, I want to have legs. I want to be among the people. How many of us do the same thing to be among the people?

[00:11:07] So to keep the peace, another version of self could have ignored the physical sensations and tried to make nice and not brought it up and just had a conversation. And then maybe even connected on LinkedIn and, you know, smoothed it over. However, there's something powerful in notice it's not an accusation. It's not overly emotionally charged. It's saying that hurt.

[00:11:35] And it's giving the person in this instance an opportunity to show empathy if they choose to, if that is something, you know, that they'd like to muster up. Right. Or you get to see, oh, that's not something they're bringing to this situation. And actually, and this is like internally, that's a standard that I have where if someone accidentally or otherwise in fixed physical pain, they're going to acknowledge it in a compassionate way. So when that doesn't happen, that's when we get to redirect.

[00:12:04] And then I made at least a couple of connections that I'm so excited to follow up with because we don't let ourselves linger. We express ourselves clearly and succinctly, and we see the information in front of us. We trust it. We don't make that person bad or wrong. We're able to say, you know what? That's not for me. That doesn't align with my values. I'm moving on. There are, there's so much to unpack here and you're truly an expert in this. I'm so grateful for the time, Stephanie.

[00:12:32] But one of the things that I want to unpack with what you just said is that when you are authentic in your own self, you're authentic in your story, but you're also authentic in your connections that you make as well. There's a certain level of awareness that you bring to yourself that you're looking for in alignment with other people too.

[00:12:53] And when I think about what makes a great story and how to break yourself out of the what I should be telling other people versus what I need to be telling, it really is embracing that your story is not for everyone, that you shouldn't be for everyone. And that can be hard to kind of to grapple because we, I don't know for myself, I'm a recovering people pleaser as well too, right?

[00:13:20] So when you work with a leader who is really struggling with that, that mindset of, of, well, I'm not for everyone and I want to please everyone with my story. How are you walking them through that to be more aligned and authentic so that they can notice not only in their work, but business relationships as a result, what the, what those signals are for them?

[00:13:43] There gets to be a softness and a vulnerability in having these standards and cultivating the courage to be disliked, which is what you're touching on here. Where when, when we know who we are and we've done that inner work and then we're simply sharing, okay, these are my experiences. These are how I've impacted and worked with people.

[00:14:11] And when we're coming from a pure intentioned place of, okay, I want to connect. I want to share. There can be some people that misinterpret it, you know, when it comes to visibility in general, right? There are some people that maybe they have their own experience with visibility and they're working through things. So they could see someone who is simply stating facts about their business and they could feel triggered by it and think, oh, I don't like that.

[00:14:36] Something that I'd like to bring up is that things have a way of coming back around. This isn't to say that you should hold your breath and wait for people that don't like you to like you. However, I'm going to share. I can think of a few examples right now of people that when they first met me, they were like, oh, no, thanks. And then they were able to come back around. So an example of this is at a dinner party, there was a woman I was sitting next to. I didn't know anyone at the dinner party. Of course, I knew the hostess.

[00:15:06] And I ended up speaking with people at the dinner. And this woman next to me, there were a couple of times where I asked, hey, what's your name? What are you up to in the world? And she just was pretty tight-lipped, didn't really engage. I didn't mean that means something about me and that she didn't want to engage with me. Although I did notice she was engaging with other people around her and not me. So, hey, you know, like let's not gaslight ourselves. Maybe someone actually doesn't want to talk to you. And that gets to be okay.

[00:15:32] And the thing is to not give that too much weight, to not be more curious about the naysayers or the people that aren't resonating than the people that could. So in that situation, again, the power is in redirecting your energy. And also, I'm sure we process these things on a subconscious level, right? Where we can think, oh, that person, oh, it's not really working out for us in this connection. Like I'd love to kind of break through that wall or whatever. Or when it's like, no, like just allow yourself to be natural.

[00:16:01] And in my case, in that situation, I gave it a couple tries. And then I was like, you know what? Okay, I'm going to redirect. You know, she, but I didn't like turn my back to her or anything. It wasn't so dramatic where she couldn't have then approached me. I let that be a possibility. And then, you know, made some great connections at this dinner party. And then years later, so that was a dinner party in San Francisco. So years later, I was in New York City.

[00:16:28] And I don't know how this happened, but we ended up reconnecting it. I think she reached out and said, oh, I'm in New York City now too. And we went out to lunch and we actually became friends. And then it comes full circle when months into the friendship of hanging out every week, you know, just really clicking. I was going through a situation where I was processing just a connection and I'm like, oh, this isn't really working out.

[00:16:56] And kind of, ah, you know, it can be like a punch in the gut when you're like, oh, I can see the potential of this connection. Like, dang, you know? Right. So I was confiding in her at a high level. And then she said, Stephanie, I need to be honest. When I first met you, I didn't like you either. I was like, oh. How did you just like, that's so wild. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, she did. I think she, at first she said, oh, I want to say something, but I don't know if we'll still be friends after I say this. Okay, she did soften it.

[00:17:25] And then I said, just say it. And then she said that, okay? I gave consent, I gave permission for the work of cash. Okay. And then she did continue to say, she said, you embodied a social confidence, she's like, that I just don't have. And then, of course, the personal development in me is like, but you can if you want.

[00:17:53] But, you know, it wasn't the time to go into that whole spiel. I said, you know, I respect that you shared that. That, you know, something that you were noticing in me that, you know, you have your own relationship with that's ever evolving, you know, was coming through. But then, like, let me share that. Okay.

[00:18:15] If at that dinner party, if I, like, physically turned my back, which some people do because it can be so painful to feel rejected socially, right? Where some people can really like, ooh, let me make it, like, let me cut this off right now, right? Or if someone reaches out, they'd be like, ah, ha, ha, here she comes. Oh, right. Like, you know, I'm guilty of being the Disney villain energy of like, well, you've just kept growling back at me.

[00:18:45] Right. I'm totally, totally guilty of that. And let's be clear, having villain tendencies is still human because when we think of villains and in our society, this is like a commentary. We're not going to go too deep in it. Don't worry. But when we think of these people as these are the bad people, these are the good people, then we cut ourselves off from connection and empathy. It's oversimplification to be like, those are the bad guys. Those are the good guys.

[00:19:13] So the fact that you can even say, oh, yeah, I've been the villain. Guess what? Me too. Right. We all have been the villain. Right. I just think, listen, so what fascinates me about the story you just said is it relates to this concept of your story doesn't have to be a big moment for it to be well told and impactful.

[00:19:37] I love the framing of micro moments and being able to take a moment, make it relatable. You know, you're developing a foundational element here, going through a bit of a storyline and then full circle, taking it back to a lesson. And I love that. I want to dive into that approach, if you will. Is it a formulaic way of understanding the structure of story or is it something that's just a natural thing that some people have?

[00:20:06] Like what really, if you were to experience a micro moment, like what makes it a good story? How do you kind of go about that coaching with a person to help them convey that? So, yeah, I'm glad that you brought that up because a lot of these moments, some people think, oh, I don't have anything to share on a stage or on a podcast because maybe certain life chapters were a bit, you know, in their words, mundane or not a lot happened.

[00:20:31] And it's not about being super dramatic about little things like, oh my gosh, and then this happened and making it into this huge thing. However, that's how we can relate with people. We're setting the stage. So in those two stories that I've shared so far, if you've ever been to a dinner party, you can see yourself in that chair looking around like, oh, I don't know anyone. Who am I going to click with?

[00:20:58] And then if you've ever been at an event shaking hands, you're probably like, oh, I hope that doesn't happen to me. Yeah. So it doesn't need to be exactly relatable, but sometimes when you set a scene that relates to the type of work that you do and the kind of people that you work with, that can help form a greater sense of connection. And then when you're showing how you acted and you can actually do this in one of two ways, right?

[00:21:25] You can lead with I did this and it was the wrong thing and this is what I learned. And, you know, that humanizes you. It could vilify you in a second, but then there's the retribution of, oh, but here's what I learned. And either give an example of you actually doing it differently or hypothetically, this is what I would do differently, right? Because a lot of people have a sense of shame about things in the past that they've done, you know, that were wrong.

[00:21:53] Whether other people thought they were wrong and unforgivable or they thought, oh my gosh, if anyone ever finds out about this. Everyone has those things big or small. So to be able to lift the curtain and say, hey, this thing happened, but I overcame it. It doesn't define me. Can be very inspiring and connecting. And yeah, when it comes to micro moments in particular, those are typically the moments that stick with us.

[00:22:22] We can give at a high level like, oh, I had an XYZ type childhood or, oh, you know, high school was fill in the blank word, you know, where those are things where, you know, we can sort of gloss over. And at a high level be like, okay, good, bad. Again, the story and the connection is in the nuance, is in the details. It's in the details. Yes, yes. Because I think, you know, I'm learning this for myself.

[00:22:51] To be a better speaker, I feel, and correct me if I'm wrong, I feel like I need to be a better reader too.

[00:22:58] Because the way that I read stories, I see these details explained in those micro moments that in everyday colloquial, you know, colloquial conversation, like we're not really diving into, especially those of us that are like, I don't know, like me, who are just brain rotting on Instagram and scrolling through feeds and stuff.

[00:23:22] Like some people are fantastic storytellers, but I do feel like the opportunity to convey those details is a skill. Like it does not come naturally to everyone. So if we were to give an example of, let's say you're working with a real estate agent, for example, right?

[00:23:42] Right. And this type of persona is your, you know, everyday mom type person that happens to have a real estate business as well that she's growing and building. And maybe this persona of this individual is thinking, well, I'm just a mom, you know, I just do what I need to do. And I have this build business and I show houses and that's it. Right. And I feel like you might have a lot of clients that come to you be like, this is my life. This is what I do. There's nothing exciting or wow. Or, you know, what am I going to talk about?

[00:24:11] Right. So if someone like that approached you, how would you coach them through? Okay. How do we find a micro moment and tell your story type of a thing? Let's see. So, you know, something that comes to mind when you share that, okay. Like even this example of the real estate agent mom, from a structural standpoint for stories, before we go into like how to find your stories,

[00:24:37] it's important to differentiate between a written story and a verbalized story. Because you mentioned if you read more and like reading, oh yes, I am an avid reader. Find me on Goodreads. I am there. However, it's not all about like, oh, if you read more, then it's going to translate because it's different dialects. Okay. So when it comes to a written story and even in my book, Confident Introvert, right?

[00:25:06] So there are some stories that I share there where I will still share similar stories verbally, but I tweak the delivery. And how I do that is you're not going to want to hear me say, oh, it was an unusually balmy day. It was about 7 p.m. and I was in Colorado and, oh, there was a cute little cat to my left as I was walking up these steps to go to this dinner party to meet people.

[00:25:33] And actually, I met the host through XYZ, da, da, da, da, da. It's like, stop. It's like, girl, like, yeah, okay, yeah. You want to jump into the action. Okay. You want to be like, instead of like, oh, I was on my way to my grandma's house and this is what our relationship is like. And this and this. It's just like, oh, there was a huge tree covering the whole path and there was snow everywhere. How was I going to get out? And you're always like, what? So that's when you want to verbalize a story.

[00:26:02] You just want to start with the action. And that obviously is a more over the top sort of like, oh, shoot, moment. But when it comes to, you know, something that comes to mind and it kind of depends. Like, okay, if I was working with a real estate agent mom, there are so many different angles to go. But let's say that a real estate agent is maybe, let's say that she's working with families. Okay.

[00:26:31] And she wants to help families find their dream home. So of course I would do a little more research and digging on, wait, like, who are you? Who is your ICP? Like for a client, right? But, you know, let's kind of create some backstory for her. So her name's Nina and she is a millennial and she is a mom to two kids under two.

[00:26:51] And she loves helping unite people with their dream homes because she knows that this is the backdrop for the life that you're going to have with your family and all the memories that get to happen in that space. So, you know, maybe there is an example that comes to mind where Nina had this moment of being so overwhelmed and just kind of like sleep deprived. Yeah.

[00:27:19] Where for a second she had a moment in her own house, like, where is my kid? You know what I mean? That's so funny. Yeah. Like she was just making coffee and it was almost like the days before she had kids and she's like, oh my gosh, where are they? And then she did something silly, like, you know, like let's say that her husband like took the kids. I don't even know. Someone had softball practice, whatever. And then, you know, then she learned something when it comes to communication, when it comes to being present, when it comes to, you know what? I see what you're saying.

[00:27:48] Yes, because for me, something that I am personally unlearning is I don't have to win an award or go on a big trip or XYZ big thing to happen in order to tell a story that resonates.

[00:28:07] Because in that moment that we're discussing here, this was an everyday life experience, a small moment that almost it wasn't so much that it was like a wow big event. It was just like, oh, I'm a little uncomfy with that. And then we learned something after and now we can share that relatable story. And I think, tell me what you think about this.

[00:28:31] It could actually be that the best stories are the relatable ones that are the small moments because not everyone goes on the big trip and wins a big award and, you know, gets to backpack in Bali or I don't know. Do you know what I mean? But when you hear these tropes of speakers, I feel like, you know, you have to have experienced X before you can talk about Y first.

[00:28:55] So, yeah, let's dive more into like that narrative, I guess. What is your intention? Do you want to connect with your audience or do you want to establish authority? It's not mutually exclusive. It's not like you're just consistently meeting people exactly where they're at and being like, I am 100% your peer. Cool. Go us. You know, but then again, if you're focusing on all the stories of like, like, yeah, when I had my $7 million exit.

[00:29:25] Oh, gosh. You know, here's what happened. And, you know, it depends. Is your target market someone who's been through that or someone who aspires to have that in their life? Right. So you approach it by the outcome as well, too, that somebody is looking to achieve with their audience. Yeah. So typically the whole point of a talk is to be able to engage with your audience and connect with them more deeply.

[00:29:50] And we want to have a combination of stories that are establishing authority. And sometimes that happens through something like a bio. So, for example, you got to read some of my accolades. So I'm not here like, you know, awkwardly reading off a list of like, oh, here's some things that I've accomplished. Right. Like, I'm so great. Look at me. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. And so, you know, there are different ways to go about it where you can have your bio really like, hey, here are the highlights. And then it's like, cool.

[00:30:20] People know that. That sets the tone. That's your credibility. Then you get to go into different moments that are relatable. And even if, let's say, you can say, oh, let's say that you're talking about, oh, like right before I got on the stage at LinkedIn HQ, dot, dot, dot. Like, let's say that people that you're speaking with, that's something that they aspire to. Or they haven't had that exact experience. Maybe they have had the experience of speaking somewhere else. Or you know what I'm saying? Right.

[00:30:49] Where you can meld the two together where it's both aspirational and connected. And where people lose connection is if they focus on the accolades in the bio alone and there's no story. Right. And I think I'm glad you brought that up because I feel like beginners pursuing speaking or storytelling or content online are very heavily leaning into only the accolade.

[00:31:16] And, well, you know, trust me because I know what I'm talking about because I have this, this, and that experience. And there could be fear around, well, how do I blend the two together to create that desired output of relatability? But also the authority side because that is important too. We don't want to just connect with people that want to be our besties.

[00:31:41] If we're business leaders at the end of the day, we do have a desired transactional outcome at some point that we want to achieve. So how do you go about balancing that in any thoughts or examples? It will be slightly customized per person depending on what your goals are, what stories are in your story bank. If you don't already have a story bank, that's something that I can recommend right now.

[00:32:06] Just the stories that stick in your mind, go ahead and have them written in a place. And then that allows someone like your advisor to be able to really help you pick and choose. But I just witnessed a speaker at an event three days ago. Yeah. So I'm out there. Okay. So three days ago, there was this woman that was giving a talk and a part of her backstory is in aviation.

[00:32:34] And what was really cool was she had an intro video that went into the accolades and the awards and all the stuff. So it's like, okay, great. That's the credibility. So, I mean, you can have that in a podcast. You can have that in a speech, either a video or you write up the script, make sure that they're tooting your horn. And then when she started her presentation, she talked about when she failed flight school or almost failed flight school. Right.

[00:33:03] So, so it's like, you're kind of taking people through a journey of, you want to start out with the credibility markers. Right. Because if you start out with the superhumanizing thing, then people are like, well, I wasn't even bought in to listening to you. And now I'm like, definitely not. Cause like, what? Like these people, they maybe haven't done their research. They're sitting in this audience. Right. And it's like, okay, like, great. Here's the next speaker. Like, I don't even know who they are, what they're about. So you really want to anchor people in with those accolades.

[00:33:31] It lets people know like, wait, why should I listen to what you have to say? Of course, everyone has a perspective that's valuable. But when people are wanting to learn, you want to front load that for them. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And even as a metaphor, right? So for example, this, this woman that I saw speaking a few days ago, she was at the tippy top of her game.

[00:34:00] And she was also a woman in a male dominated field. So women in tech can relate with that. And people that have aspirations to be in the top 1% of their field can relate with that. So it's not always completely direct where it's like, oh, great. That would be a great talk for aspiring aviators. I mean, yes, but also people can connect the dots with, let's say that a main pillar of her talk is ambition.

[00:34:26] People that are ambitious are going to, when she talks about, oh, and then I redid this and I did that. And, you know, different hurdles that she overcame. Some people are inspired because they're like, wait, like, would I do that? Would I go through all of that? And then it becomes aspirational. And then other people are like, yes, I'm with you. I hear you. I have gone through it too. And I'm still climbing. Wow.

[00:34:49] I think there's a key, there's some things here that we can relate to maybe Disney movies as well too. Because right now the story that is coming to mind is Hercules for me. Because at the beginning they build this aspirational world. There are gods out there. You know, there's this, there's this, there's this hero. There's this like, you know, big, like he saved the world. But before he did, this is what happened.

[00:35:18] This was his story type of a thing, right? So we are interested by this grandiose idea, this world building even. And then we're hooked by the fact that like, oh, but that wasn't always that way. There's a, there was a journey to get there. And taking people along through a journey from what I'm maybe understanding for you, from what you're saying,

[00:35:42] is, is better for the engagement of that story as well too. Instead of just being like, I made a million dollars. Good for me. And yep, that's what I did. Like, I don't know. Yeah. Like, like, like how many presentations have I watched or have you watched where, you know, the first 10 slides of the PowerPoint is literally just talking about like, I did this, this, then I did this in my business. Then I did this in my business.

[00:36:11] And this is what my business does for, and this is what I do for a living. And it's just like, do you know what I'm saying? And it's like, what are we getting wrong when we're starting off like that for like 50% of the talk instead of getting into the story? Yeah. And, you know, some people, I think that there can be a learning curve, right? Where it's like how much depth do you go into with your credentials?

[00:36:32] And one of the highest level tips that I can give right now is that you want to check yourself, check your content. Is this about you or about them? You want this to have a you view in the sense that people can see themselves in your stories and your concepts in, you know, where, of course, maybe you have a slide. It's like, hey, a little bit about me, background bio. But then you're not lingering there.

[00:37:02] And it's certainly not multiple slides. And then you quickly move on to, hey, who here has ever experienced X, Y, Z? And then you're like, okay, oh, great. About 80% of the room. And then you can share a personal story. Or, I mean, there's another way to go about this. You can say, hey, imagine this and really bring people in. And the speakers that I love working with the most are creative and like to try different techniques of engagement.

[00:37:28] But first and foremost, is your talk, let's say that you have it outlined right now. And you're like, oh, okay, great. I'm like looking through the notes. And the number one question to ask is, is this really focused on being of service to the listener and giving them information? Not too much information. That's something to be discerning about. You don't overwhelm. Right. But you want people to walk away having not just a changed mindset, but an action that they're going to take.

[00:37:57] I think I see this as an aligned value for me as well, especially in podcasting. Because I find some podcasts out there can be very much focused on the host only. Okay. Like this is my show. This is my guest. We're here to talk about you, but I'm also going to talk about me.

[00:38:18] And I feel like we need to change that perspective because being of service is how you stay impactful and memorable because you're creating an opportunity for someone, like you said, to see themselves and you.

[00:38:37] And being seen and feeling seen is one of the most important things you can do in a story for your listener, audience member, consumer, literally whoever it is. Any Disney movie that I've watched, I resonated because I thought or felt I could see myself in that character. And, you know, I love how you encourage that too because it's important. It's important.

[00:39:06] We can't lose sight of that because I think the moment we lose sight of that, we not only lose our potential customers, but we also get in our own heads and start feeling even more insecure because we go back to that perfectionism mindset a bit of I have to be a certain way and perform a certain way.

[00:39:24] So to kind of wrap up in the second half here, I want to talk about this unraveling this mindset of the lack of confidence or the perfectionism. And how do you work with leaders to help them once they know who they are, know what their message is, feel confident and excited to tell that story? It's going back into the framework that connects with confidence framework that's a part of establishing calm authority.

[00:39:53] So when it comes to the baseline layer, I'd like you to imagine a sort of pyramid image at the very base of all of this is calm. So how many people try to skip that part and just like, okay, I'm geared up. Let's go. Like, let's hop on the stage and let's transmute the anxiety into excitement and see how that goes. And then it's like, oh, shoot. It's a little repelling. I'm so guilty of that. I have to just raise my hand and say that. Yes. Oh, my God.

[00:40:22] In certain contexts, it works. When it comes to establishing a sense of authority, it doesn't always work, right? So when it comes to establishing that baseline calm that really roots in and anchors in your message and showing up from that grounded place. I mean, there's so many techniques, but one of the most powerful ones that I typically even have people do in one of my talks is box breathing. So you're breathing in and maybe listeners can do this right now.

[00:40:52] Let's do it. Breathe in through the nose for four counts, fill up your belly and lungs. And then you're going to pause that breath at the top for another four counts. And then exhale through the mouth for four counts, bringing out your belly and lungs. And then when that's dissipated, then you're going to pause again. And then cycle through another couple times of the breathing in through the nose and exhaling.

[00:41:16] And time and time again, when people in my talks before and after, it's like night and day. People were feeling kind of jittery and like, oh, there's a lot of energy in the room. And then all of a sudden you can feel this sense of peace. And it's something that, you know, beyond the stories that you share and beyond the accolades.

[00:41:39] This is where a sense of felt resonance gets to happen, where you experience a sense of greater trust with the speaker because they're not kind of like, oh, hi. Or like looking out like, okay, what do you think? Like, are you going to validate me? Oh, you're not? Mm. You know, it's like, okay. I'm just laughing because this is all things that I've done. So I'm glad you're here. Hey, and you're wrong with it.

[00:42:07] We're all on that journey of, you know, trial and error. And so we have that baseline calm. And then from that place, we're able to build confidence on top of it. This is where we both identify and amplify our strengths. So in this case, let's say it's speaking. Let's say that it's certain frameworks or this is where you get to have a sense of confidence in the stories that you're sharing. So then when you share them, you get to be matter of fact.

[00:42:35] You get to be receptive of, okay, what are reactions here? And you can kind of switch gears a little bit if you need to. But it gets to be so seamless where no one would ever know if you flub up a little bit. Or if, let's say, you go in a different direction or you're a little off track because you're like, oh, you self-correct. You take yourself right back.

[00:42:55] And then the third pillar is connection where this is connecting with people at events, connecting people on podcasts, connecting with people in person, one to many on a stage. Because when you are not wanting something from people where you're not like, oh, did they find this story funny or interesting? And then you're just kind of like, and then. Back to the people, please. I mean, it's something to unlearn, right?

[00:43:23] A lot of growth and development in our adulthood is deciding what pieces we want to take with us into the next life chapter versus which things maybe served us at one time, but not now. So we have that sense of calm, confidence, connection. And then we are primed to help more people and go further and be more impactful. That is the fourth pillar.

[00:43:49] When we have that calm authority down. So it really is this arc. And some clients that I work with, they could be stuck in the first pillar. Some people, you know, there could be sticking points at various parts, but it's important to have all the pieces of the puzzle at least functioning, right? And at least with a forward progression to be able to be as impactful as you can be.

[00:44:19] What is your favorite part about the work that you get to do with people? Like what gets you out of bed every morning and go, this is the thing that I want to do? Because I hear the passion and I hear the expertise and I just, I would love to know. I see people's strengths and I see them very clearly and precisely. And when it comes to the roadmap of goals that my clients have of, oh, I want to write a book.

[00:44:48] I want to have a talk. I want to get paid this amount. I see the roadmap. And because I've done it for myself, I've done it for my clients. So what makes me most excited to work with people is when I get on a call and they're talking about what they're up to, I'm like, oh, like the zone of genius is coming through right now. Like let's, and then I get really excited about amplifying that because the type of work that I do is not just, oh, great.

[00:45:17] Now this person feels better about themselves. Okay, cool. Bye. It's, I mean, that's part of it, right? But they are in so many other people because I'm working with private, I'm working privately with leaders that have influence and that have the ability to really evoke change in their organization or in the communities that they get to speak with. So it gets to be a ripple effect, which more than gets me out of bed every morning.

[00:45:46] That's amazing. I think the beauty of story is the impact that it can make, which in turn can create legacy. I don't think any person who is trying to pursue a legacy or, you know, be something for their business can do that from a place of ego or I or not of service.

[00:46:09] And I think when you are open to going through life's challenges and laugh at them and turn them into stories that help others that, you know, are just human. I think that's where the legacy happens. And I'm so grateful that you were on the show today.

[00:46:30] I think anyone who is listening, who is looking to get their voice back from Ursula and the business sense, if they're wanting to do that and work with you, I think they absolutely should. So tell us where we can connect with you to do that. Thank you, Rita. Yes. So you can go to stephanietoma.com slash coaching. That will be the most directed way to go ahead and grab a spot on my calendar. You can also head over to stephanietoma.com slash resources.

[00:46:59] And I have some ways that you can plug in and stay connected there too. Awesome. All right. Well, that's a wrap for this episode of Bippity Boppity Business. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us today. And again, we'll have all of Stephanie's info linked in the show notes below. And we'll catch you on the next one. Thank you. All right. Let's roll the outro. Roll the outro. Ba-da-ba-boo.

[00:47:29] You've been listening to Bippity Boppity Business. Like what you hear so far? Leave us a review in Apple or listen to us anywhere you prefer listening to your podcast. Until next time, have a magical day.